Only in Texas...

Texas high school football is probably everything "Friday Night Lights" tried to convey, if not more. I was there for a few years and I loved it, but looking back I can only laugh at the ridiculousness of some of it.

In exchange for unquestioning and absolute devotion to the football program, the coaches would put these shirts together to encourage us to submit ourselves to physical torture known as strength building and conditioning.

I'm going through old clothes to sort out things I'll give away and things I'll keep before I move. I found a shirt I absolutely can't give away because it's so hilarious.

The front says "IF THE BAR AIN'T BENDIN' THEN YOU'RE JUST PRETENDIN'" with a picture of a heavily loaded bar. The poem on the back is just epic and I thought I'd share it.

THE SQUAT
WAY DOWN THIS ROAD, IN A GYM FAR AWAY,
A YOUNG MAN WAS ONCE HEARD TO SAY,
I'VE REPPED HIGH AND I'VE REPPED LOW,
NO MATTER WHAT I DO MY LEGS WON'T GROW.
HE TRIED LEG EXTENSIONS, LEG CURLS, AND
LEG PRESSES TOO, TRYING TO CHEAT, THESE
SISSY WORKOUTS HE'D DO.
FROM THE CORNER OF THE GYM WHERE BIG
MEN TRAIN, THROUGH A CLOUD OF CHALK AND
THE MIDST OF PAIN.
WHERE THE BIG IRON RIDES HIGH AND
THREATENS LIVES. WHERE THE NOISE IS MADE
WITH FORTY-FIVES, A DEEP VOICE BELLOWED
AS HE WRAPPED HIS KNEES. A VERY BIG MAN
WITH LEGS LIKE TREES.
LAUGHING AS HE SNATCHED ANOTHER PLATE
FROM THE STACK. CHALKING HIS HANDS AND
MONSTROUS BACK, SAID, "BOY STOP LYING AND
DON'T SAY YOU'VE FORGOTTEN, THE TROUBLE
WITH YOU IS YOU AIN'T BEEN SQUATIN' [sic]."


Yeah, sometimes good poems don't have to rhyme the whole way through. Or flow. Or look like poems.

Some of my best memories from high school revolved around football in Texas, and I'm glad I found this shirt. There were many like it, but this was probably the most ridiculous.