Bird Love

My apartment gets a lot of big black birds hanging out on the 7th floor deck. I love how big the birds are here. It's crazy to see these things running around and wonder who is feeding them protein bars when the rest of Seattle isn't looking.

So one day I was hanging out checking out the city and the sunset and there happened to be a couple black birds hanging out close by. I took a step and they flew away a bit. As curiosity started taking over, I started seeing just how little I could move before they would get scared away. I flinched an arm and they jumped. I turned my head and they fled to the panic room. It didn't take much.

Man, birds are flighty.

In one moment, I stared up at the birds as they discussed their narrow escape at a new and safe location. I began to wish they could listen in on what was going on through my head: if only you knew that I am not here to hurt you. If only you would stay, I might actually be nice to you. I might actually take care of you. If I could communicate in some way you could understand, I could show you some bird love.

Well maybe. I think birds are kind of creepy and I would never want one as a pet.

I think people can be flighty too.

Fear of being hurt used to make me shy away from people. Any attempt by anyone to get close would send me flying to the panic room I set up for myself in my head. Since then, I have learned to be ok with being a bit more vulnerable, a bit more open, a bit more honest. Mostly I have learned to be a bit more trusting and to realize I could never be loved if I fly away from anything that came close.

If I could speak bird, I would like to be more reassuring. I would like to communicate safety and kindness to people who might want it. But I'm bad enough with human words as it is. I think I would be ok if I learned how to show more bird love.

I have seen my fair share of crap in my day. Perhaps I have actually grown or perhaps I have actually become more desensitized to fear. I think my bigger issue now is failing to be flighty is really just failing to pursue. I don't get out of the way. I just take the hit because that's what I know. But to be honest, I'd rather take the hits and cling to the thought that one day something will actually be bird love.

So there's two sides to that fence and I feel like I've been on both sides of them. On one side, I never let anybody get close. On another, I just stopped caring and hoped for the best.

I'd love to learn how to perch on that one happy place in the middle--if one exists.

I think it's going to involve me learning the language though. I used to be good at turning insides to English. Maybe I'll learn to do that again someday. That would be nice anyway.